Dear Faithful Readers,
It is with heartfelt sorrow that I inform you all that the time has come for me to surrender my post as your earnest and dedicated advice columnist. Though I have deeply enjoyed every letter and kind note that I have received from you over the years, it is time for me to bid you all an affectionate farewell. There will be no need to alert the authorities or come looking for me. Perfectly willingly and without threat of grievous bodily harm, I am finally able to realise my lifelong dream of flying a hot air balloon over the deepest waters of the Atlantic with only the clothes on my back and the dubious hope for survival.
Do not fear, dear ones, for the column will be in gentle and completely rational hands. Your enquiries will be answered with the utmost tenderness and care, and no one will be harmed, including yours truly. Worry not for me, fond friends, for I am safe and well. I am in no imminent danger, nor is there an extremely large death ray ominously aimed at my person lest I reveal the horrendous truth of my abrupt departure as your doting and steadfast columnist.
I wish you all the very best and ask that you kindly welcome my benevolent and fully qualified replacement. Should you fail to do so, the consequences could be terrible. It is my most intimate hope that you all come out of this with only the slightest injury and anguish, and that the trauma will cause no lingering emotional damage.
Goodbye, sweet readers. I will think of you always or for as long as my rations last and my balloon remains airborne. It is with a heavy heart and unspeakable dread that I take my leave and desperately pray that I will see you all again before I meet a ghastly and entirely ingenuous end.
With emergent foreboding,