Duce & Nobble

More from Agony Aunt Agnes Crowley

A dear reader wrote in:

Honourable Agnes,
My husband and I haven’t been intimate in several years. Our marriage was arranged when we were very young by our parents. Even though I didn’t choose my husband, I have grown to love him, but I suspect he does not return my feelings. He is always deferent and polite, but he is distant and cold when we are alone. I suspected he may have lovers on the side, so I followed him when he claimed to be leaving for a business meeting. Instead he went inside an establishment I later learned was a brothel. I never confronted him, but I am troubled that he would rather seek the services of a prostitute than his own waiting and willing wife. I want to win my husband’s heart or, barring that, his body. What should I do?
–Untouched

Agnes’ gentle reply is as follows:

Dear Untouched,
He goes to ladybirds because they are better in bed than you probably are. Buy a book or talk to someone with some experience. Be waiting for your husband in something tarty when he arrives home from work and show him exactly what you’ve learned. Take the initiative and make that man your sexual slave. If that doesn’t work or you’re exceptionally unattractive, there are several establishments in which women may enjoy the companionship of a man at a reasonable price. If he’s getting his, you may as well get yours.
A. Crowley

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